Head, Shoulders, Knees and Vaginas. Wait, Vaginas?

It goes along with all the little things you try to teach your child from day one. Things that I'm fairly certain newborns don't give a hoot about, or can even process, but we Moms just like to add onto that new mother crazy as much as we can. I'm not talking about ABC's, or 123's. I'm talking about eyes, toes, and everything in between. Body parts. ALL of them.

It starts out all cute-like. Mommy excitedly says 'Where's your nose?!', Baby points to nose. Mommy screeches 'Where's your eye?!?!' Baby pokes self in eye and starts crying. We'll work on that one.

Toddlers get the harder questions, with some elbows and knees thrown in there, but the real fun doesn't start until potty training. This is when kids learn some new, fun, words. Words that us adults can't use in a serious conversation without giggling a bit because no one uses them in real life. I'm going to warn you right now, this blog is going to be filled with those words. Turn back now, or join me and giggle at the words *whispers* penis and vagina (teehee).

Small child pronunciation is one of my favorite things ever. It's also one of the most frustrating things ever. Teaching a 2 year old how to say 'vagina' is like trying to teach me how to pronounce 'Cthulhu' (I can never remember how to say that damn word!). It started off as 'FA-gina', moved on to 'BA-gina', and then we decided to just cut it off at 'gina', with the 'I' sounding like 'eye'. Quick and easy to say, plus I didn't laugh every time she said it.

At this point, I figured she really didn't need to know what a penis was. I mean, she was 2 or 3, and had no brothers. I realized that I probably should have told her when she walked in on Derek in the bathroom and started crying "DADDY'S GINA FELL OUT!!!!". We had a brief conversation about how boys have different parts and went on with our lives.

Fast forward to age 5. Last week to be exact. Just me and B, driving along in the car, when she starts talking all this crazy stuff. Keep in mind that she sits behind me in the car, so I cannot see her facial expressions and have no idea how she is about to react to anything I say.

B: I'm never having babies when I grow up.
Me: What? Why not?
B: Because it will hurt. You know, like when they rip your belly open to get the baby out. What do they use anyways when they sew you back up? String?
Me: Uh, no. They use staples.
B: STAPLES? Did it hurt when they ripped your belly open to take me out?
Me: They didn't open Mama's belly. You didn't come out of my belly.
B: WELL THEN WHOSE BELLY DID I COME OUT OF?

(Now I'm trying really hard not to laugh at the fact that my kid is seriously starting to think she's adopted. I'm terrible.)

Me: You were in my belly. You just didn't come out of my belly. Not all babies come out of the belly. You know where else they come out of?
B: Uh, no. Where?

For some strange reason, I felt I should whisper, even though it was only the two of us in the car. I guess I felt it made things a bit easier to handle, seeing as I had no idea how she was going to take my answer.

Me: They come out of vaginas.

Complete silence. I couldn't even turn around to see how she was taking the news. After what seemed like forever, but in all actuality was probably only 3 seconds, she finally replied.

B: WHHHHHHHAAAAAAAAAATTTTTTTTT?!?!?!?!

Laughter. All you heard was this kid cracking up at the fact that babies come out of a vagina. You would have thought I told her the funniest joke ever.

B: Soooo, I came out of your gina?
Me: Yes.
B: Hahahahahaha. That means I touched your gina once. With my body. Hahahahahaha.
Me: Okayyy, so anyways.

Probably the most awkward conversation I've ever held in my life. Pretty well received though, seeing as it totally could have ended differently. AND, I'm thanking the Lord Baby Jesus that she didn't ask me exactly how a baby got there in the first place. I'm still working on the answer to that one.







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