Are We There Yet?

We're back from vacation! Not that I really want to be, but it's nice to sleep in my own bed. In case you're unaware, we DROVE to Florida. Yes, with a five year old. Twenty-four hours on the way down, then twelve hours to Kentucky, and about sixteen back to Massachusetts. Yes, with a five year old. She was surprisingly very well behaved and kept herself entertained for most of the trip. She of course kept us very entertained as well.

We spent the afternoon in DC, just to break the trip up a bit, and to stretch our legs. Our legs got an extra stretching (and a serious workout!) when we realized it was the Cherry Blossom Festival and half the city was blocked off by a fence. Surprise! You have to walk an extra two miles to get to your car directly across the street! Needless to say, we were all exhausted by the time we left. Brianna was extremely excited to see where the president lives, which is not in a lighthouse as she previously thought on our last trip to the beach.

Me: Look! There's the lighthouse!
B: *GASP* That's where the president lives!

Not a lighthouse.

 After DC, we got back in the car and made it all the way to South Carolina. I have no idea what time it was when we got there because I spent a decent amount of time sleeping since Derek told me I wasn't allowed to drive. Before you go thinking 'What the hell, Derek?', trust his decision. I get lost EVERYWHERE, and we would have wound up in Nebraska. At one point in the trip, Derek joked about how we would be in Canada if I drove, and B overheard him.

D: Oh, look at that, we're in Canada!

B: We're in ASIA?!?!

Hmm. Apparently they don't start learning geography in Kindergarten. D decided that he was going to explain to B that Canada and Asia we're not one in the same. That's when she so matter-o-factually gave him this gem.

D: Asia is a continent.

B: A continent is a letter of the alphabet, EXCEPT the vowels.

These are the moments that I wish I had video going because no matter how I type it, it just doesn't do it justice. I'm sure, by now, you've all figured out the tone of voice B uses on a daily basis, so just go with that.

When we stopped in SC, I just remember stumbling, half asleep, up some stairs, and into a bed. When I woke up, we were in a crappy little motel, which was surrounded by firework stores. The one next to us had a huge sign that read 'FIREWORKS ON DVD!!!!!!!'. I needed to get out of here. Now. Okay, okay, so it wasn't THAT bad; It was just old and a bit run down. D joked to my father that 'only one of us got bedbugs', and B freaked out when she overheard and said 'WHICH ONE?!'. Haha. 

I had completely forgotten that B had never been in a hotel before. We've never taken a big vacation like this, so she's only stayed in camping trailers/homes. She woke up and thought that this shit motel was the best thing ever. Ever. Two double beds make the greatest playground any child could ever ask for and she was thrilled! As soon as D went to get dressed, I whispered to B.

Me: You know, you could jump from one bed to the other.

B: I can?!?!

Me: Yeah, just be super careful. It's pretty far.

I'm such a bad influence, but B is usually so cautious about everything that sometimes she needs a little push to be a rebel. Of course I hadn't really thought about her potentially breaking body parts so D told her not to when he came out of the bathroom.

D: Stop jumping from bed to bed.

B: I have to. It makes my heart beat.

Best. Excuse. Ever. We let her jump for a little bit longer, then it was time to get ready and finish the drive to Florida. B didn't really want to leave this AMAZING room, and I can't really blame her. I mean, it had a perfect view of the half-filled green pool, and overlooked a pile of random debris as well. Plus, it was only a short walk next door so we could snatch up that dvd and watch fireworks every night. I grabbed a headband, ran the brush through B's hair a few times, and when I put the headband on her, my nail accidentally scraped her face. Barely. She looked me dead in the eye and said "Now I have a black eye". Well, guess we're starting this vacation off quite lovely. Annnnd, on to Florida.

Along our way, we had to stop at 8975485435 different rest stops because I swear this kid is just nosy about what different bathrooms look like. Not only do rest stops have bathrooms, but most of them have fast food places, so not only can we get out and empty our bladders, we can also empty our wallets. Let me start off this story by saying that we live in a very multicultural city. It's not uncommon to go to the grocery store and hear people talking in Portuguese or Spanish. At most of our stops, the employees would talk in different languages to their coworkers, which I didn't even notice until my lovely child loudly pointed it out.

B: Why is everyone speaking a different language?!

Me: Why do you speak english?

B: Because I'm American.

Ah, good one. Point goes to Brianna. The lady behind the counter says something, in spanish, to the cook. Brianna is wide-eyed and staring this lady down. She's quiet for a second and then opens her mouth.

B: ARE WE IN AFRICA?!?!

I've never wanted to leave a place so fast in my life. Sure, the lady was darker than us, but she certainly wasn't black. I did a pretty good job of containing my laughter until we got into the car. Derek had a talk with B about Africa, and what places speak what languages. It seemed like she understood what we were saying. Silence, again. Then, a quiet whisper.

B: Am I African-American? 

Nope. That conversation went right over her head. 

We finally made it to Florida by Sunday night, checked into the hotel, and hadn't been there all of ten minutes before Derek got swindled by some 40-something lady with an Australian accent. I don't really blame him, I mean, SHE HAD AN ACCENT. Next thing I know, we're signed up for a 90 minute presentation on Wednesday morning, for vacation homes. Awesome. On the plus side, they gave us $80 in vouchers to use around the hotel for food/arcade/etc..

Monday and Tuesday we spent at Legoland, which was absolutely amazing! My favorite part was actually the Cypress Gardens (which Brianna told me was boring), and Miniland. B loved the little rides they had, and she had her face painted on Monday.

Complete with everlasting glitter! 

No, seriously, she STILL has glitter in her hair.

 

Derek's favorite part was, well, everything. As much as we say it was a family vacation, or a vacation for Brianna, this was totally a vacation for Derek. Guy loves legos more than anyone I've ever met. His birthday was on Friday, so B decided to plan a party. 

B: We're throwing you a Lego birthday! And you can get as drunk as you want!

Uh, shit. There's that parrot again. D informed her that being drunk isn't something adults want to be all the time. They really go for more of a strong buzz. A buzz that I nicely acquired Tuesday night at the hotel pool. No outside food or beverage? Yeah. Okay.

On our way back from Legoland, we did something that could have been extremely terrible. We took a wrong turn, and ended up facing a huge 'Welcome to Disney World' sign. Doesn't seem too terrible, since it's supposed to be the happiest place on earth, but we made no plans to do Disney on this trip. Turns out, happiness costs a LOT of money. Anyways, I noticed the sign, made eye contact with D, and we both made that 'oh shit, this isn't good' face. Waiting to hear crying from the backseat, I was shocked when I heard giggles. Then more laughing. Then this:

B: HAHAHAHAHA. You GUYS! We're not going to Disney! I can't believe you went the wrong way! HAHAHAHA.

I'm fairly certain I have the only child that would laugh at that. I was seriously expecting her to chuck her DS at my head and call us the worst parents ever.

After we left Florida, we made the drive to Kentucky to visit some of D's friends (who were super nice, and we owe a big thank you to!). If it wasn't so damn far from the ocean, I'd move there in a heartbeat. Everyone is so friendly, and everything is incredibly cheap! I just don't think I could be that far away from the coast. Seems crazy. Plus, then I'd have that southern accent, and I'm pretty content with how I talk now. 

All in all it was an awesome vacation. We definitely needed it. B was only fresh a few times (like when she told me I was 'just like annoying orange', and followed it up with 'I must say!'), so it made everything go pretty smooth. Oh, and we somehow made it through the entire trip with minimal radio (maybe a half hour total), and didn't get asked about kidzbop (which I despise) until the last night of our ride home. 

B: Do you have kidzbop in here?

Me: I can't believe we went almost an entire vacation without kidzbop.

B: I was too scared to ask.

So that's pretty much it. I leave you with a couple of random quotes from our trip that were too random to fit into this blog. :)

Me: *Taps Derek with the back of my hand*

B: I caught you that time, punching Daddy on the shoulder!

*Pause*
B: You should be a shame on yourself!

-

Me: Look! A hot air balloon!

B: Yep. (Not impressed in the slightest)
Me: Do you know what that is?

B: A balloon. With hot air in it.

Polly Want a Cracker?

Our days mostly consist of comments from Brianna that are borderline fresh, but she's so damn smart that she knows how to deliver these comments and turn them into valid statements. Statements that I can't even argue with, and leave me shaking me head, thinking 'Shit; she has a point'. Other times, she is straight up rude. During these times I feel entirely like a hypocrite, since she's pretty much repeating things I've said to her at one time or another.

Me: Can you turn on that light for mommy, please?
B: You have legs. You can use them, right?
Me: I asked nicely, and thought you could help out since you're standing next to the light switch.
B: I don't want to have to do EVERYTHING for you. I'm not your maid, you know.


Then there's the rude with a bit of funny:

Me: I have to take a shower, because look at this hair.
B: Uh, yeah, you do.
Me: Would it embarrass you if I went to the doctors like this?
B: Yeah. I think it would even embarrass the doctors.


And sometimes, she's just plain rude:

Me: If you don't behave, Santa will bring you COAL in your stocking.
B: I'll just wash out my stocking and it's cool because I have like a million other toys already.


But the best ones are the ones where she seriously crosses that line of fresh and into ohmygodicantbelievethatjustcameoutofyourmouth. These are the cases that, as a parent, are the hardest to deal with. Not because you don't know how to punish them, but because you can't stop laughing and compose yourself long enough to discipline. By the time you can breathe again, your argument isn't even valid anymore.

B: I have to sit here because you put that fffff- toilet paper on the stool. Whoa, I almost said a bad word. You know what I almost said? Can I say it?
Me: Once.
B: I almost said fucking toilet paper because you put it where it doesn't belong.


Alright, so that one was kind of my fault. I totally thought she was going to say 'freaking', since girlfriend thinks that 'heck' is a swear word. I was totally not expecting her to drop an f-bomb at 7am, which certainly was an interesting way to start our day off. Since that incident, she's been testing the waters with swearing, which, in turn, is testing my patience and pushing my buttons. Brianna often inquires about the location of these buttons, to which I usually reply that she's just pushing them more. A few days ago, she thought Derek said 'shit', so she tattled on him. To me. Which is probably the worst thing she could have done. I'm not sure exactly why, but whenever this sort of thing happens, when it's all three of us, it always ends the same way. Derek is trying to punish Brianna, Brianna is crying and saying no, and I'm trying to breathe from how hard I'm laughing. That turns into Brianna slamming her door, me wiping tears off my face because now I'm crying from laughter, and Derek is yelling at me, because I 'need to be an adult'. Apparently I'm supposed to be able to keep myself composed, but there's just something about a kid speaking in such an adult way that makes me lose it. I know she doesn't fully understand what she's really saying, and she's probably just being a parrot of my (yes, i'll admit it) potty mouth. I'm hoping that one day she'll start repeating all the nice things I say, as well. For now, I'll work on my censorship.