Our days mostly consist of comments from Brianna that are borderline fresh, but she's so damn smart that she knows how to deliver these comments and turn them into valid statements. Statements that I can't even argue with, and leave me shaking me head, thinking 'Shit; she has a point'. Other times, she is straight up rude. During these times I feel entirely like a hypocrite, since she's pretty much repeating things I've said to her at one time or another.
Me: Can you turn on that light for mommy, please?
B: You have legs. You can use them, right?
Me: I asked nicely, and thought you could help out since you're standing next to the light switch.
B: I don't want to have to do EVERYTHING for you. I'm not your maid, you know.
Then there's the rude with a bit of funny:
Me: I have to take a shower, because look at this hair.
B: Uh, yeah, you do.
Me: Would it embarrass you if I went to the doctors like this?
B: Yeah. I think it would even embarrass the doctors.
And sometimes, she's just plain rude:
Me: If you don't behave, Santa will bring you COAL in your stocking.
B: I'll just wash out my stocking and it's cool because I have like a million other toys already.
But the best ones are the ones where she seriously crosses that line of fresh and into ohmygodicantbelievethatjustcameoutofyourmouth. These are the cases that, as a parent, are the hardest to deal with. Not because you don't know how to punish them, but because you can't stop laughing and compose yourself long enough to discipline. By the time you can breathe again, your argument isn't even valid anymore.
B: I have to sit here because you put that fffff- toilet paper on the stool. Whoa, I almost said a bad word. You know what I almost said? Can I say it?
Me: Once.
B: I almost said fucking toilet paper because you put it where it doesn't belong.
Alright, so that one was kind of my fault. I totally thought she was going to say 'freaking', since girlfriend thinks that 'heck' is a swear word. I was totally not expecting her to drop an f-bomb at 7am, which certainly was an interesting way to start our day off. Since that incident, she's been testing the waters with swearing, which, in turn, is testing my patience and pushing my buttons. Brianna often inquires about the location of these buttons, to which I usually reply that she's just pushing them more. A few days ago, she thought Derek said 'shit', so she tattled on him. To me. Which is probably the worst thing she could have done. I'm not sure exactly why, but whenever this sort of thing happens, when it's all three of us, it always ends the same way. Derek is trying to punish Brianna, Brianna is crying and saying no, and I'm trying to breathe from how hard I'm laughing. That turns into Brianna slamming her door, me wiping tears off my face because now I'm crying from laughter, and Derek is yelling at me, because I 'need to be an adult'. Apparently I'm supposed to be able to keep myself composed, but there's just something about a kid speaking in such an adult way that makes me lose it. I know she doesn't fully understand what she's really saying, and she's probably just being a parrot of my (yes, i'll admit it) potty mouth. I'm hoping that one day she'll start repeating all the nice things I say, as well. For now, I'll work on my censorship.
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